One cold Saturday afternoon my iPhone vibrates and I receive an email from a man named "John Abrams," about a personal assistant job position. The first thing that popped into my mind was: "why is the second president of the United States emailing me?" And the second was: "oh great, another rejection letter."
The email said that of all the people that had applied, my resume proved that I was above all else and that he, a renowned Canadian artist, would love to offer me the job. Since he is traveling the world for his art showcases he is not able to come to states and tend to his business...so that's where I come in. It's a 15-20 hour a week job and $500/week pay. WOW.
Finally. I could afford UCB Improv 101. I could afford rent. I could afford less anxiety.
Times...are tough. They are hard, and not in the good kind of way. Hahaha...
Anyway the whole thing was a SCAM! DUN DUN DUN! I guess that should've been obvious because he didn't call me in for an interview...BUT I WAS EXCITEDANDRELIEVEDWHATEVER! I felt poopy, to say the least. I can't find a job. I can't do the Hollywood Fringe. I can't find Love. wah wah wah. I know, I need to shut up.
But instead of looking at the whole situation negatively (which I did for a day and half) I thought: hey I almost became Alex Vause. What Mr. Abrams was having me do was take care of his "art," and cash checks for him (which was not clear in his emails). I thought the extent of my job was running errands for him like buy him groceries, mail letters for him, buy art supplies, etc...what he really wanted me to do wash cash in these checks I received from the mail and have me steal all this money and transfer it to him, and I would keep $500 of whatever the amount he'd given me. I COULD HAVE BEEN ALEX VAUSE...in a way. Except thank God for mah home girl who saw and said, "honey you've been scammed," and I stopped everything before anything happened! Whew!
But I mean...again, the bright side...I could have gotten laid in jail. Maybe. I know it isn't really a bright side. But if that jail had Taylor Schilling, Natasha Lyonne, Laura Prepon and Taryn Manning, who wouldn't want to get arrested? Again just to be clear: I want to be in Orange is the New Black. Season 4. It will happen.
Anyway one last thing: THE DRESS IS WHITE AND GOLD.
As of lately...I've been trying to be funny. I'm not trying, cause I am funny, but I'm trying to be funnier. I'm part of a new awesome improv team called "Second Choice," and so far I'm having a blast. However, going to rehearsals has proven one thing to me and that is...I'm a terrible listener and I forget things. I'm a 50 year-old man.
I write, you read, we friends.