THE PLAYWRIGHT'S PLOG: IT'S A PLAY & A BLOG!
  • Blog
  • Mara
  • About
  • Contact
  • Blog
  • Mara
  • About
  • Contact

Confession: I Almost Became a Real Life Alex Vause

2/27/2015

0 Comments

 
Picture


One cold Saturday afternoon my iPhone vibrates and I receive an email from a man named "John Abrams," about a personal assistant job position. The first thing that popped into my mind was: "why is the second president of the United States emailing me?" And the second was: "oh great, another rejection letter."  

The email said that of all the people that had applied, my resume proved that I was above all else and that he, a renowned Canadian artist, would love to offer me the job. Since he is traveling the world for his art showcases he is not able to come to states and tend to his business...so that's where I come in. It's a 15-20 hour a week job and $500/week pay. WOW. 

$500/week.

Finally. I could afford UCB Improv 101.  I could afford rent. I could afford less anxiety. 

Times...are tough. They are hard, and not in the good kind of way. Hahaha...

Anyway the whole thing was a SCAM! DUN DUN DUN!  I guess that should've been obvious because he didn't call me in for an interview...BUT I WAS EXCITEDANDRELIEVEDWHATEVER! I felt poopy, to say the least. I can't find a job. I can't do the Hollywood Fringe. I can't find Love. wah wah wah. I know, I need to shut up. 

But instead of looking at the whole situation negatively (which I did for a day and half) I thought: hey I almost became Alex Vause. What Mr. Abrams was having me do was take care of his "art," and cash checks for him (which was not clear in his emails). I thought the extent of my job was running errands for him like buy him groceries, mail letters for him, buy art supplies, etc...what he really wanted me to do wash cash in these checks I received from the mail and have me steal all this money and transfer it to him, and I would keep $500 of whatever the amount he'd given me. I COULD HAVE BEEN ALEX VAUSE...in a way. Except thank God for mah home girl who saw and said, "honey you've been scammed," and I stopped everything before anything happened! Whew!

But I mean...again, the bright side...I could have gotten laid in jail. Maybe. I know it isn't really a bright side. But if that jail had Taylor Schilling, Natasha Lyonne, Laura Prepon and Taryn Manning, who wouldn't want to get arrested? Again just to be clear: I want to be in Orange is the New Black. Season 4. It will happen. 

Anyway one last thing: THE DRESS IS WHITE AND GOLD. 

0 Comments

Confession: Being Funny IS Hard

2/20/2015

0 Comments

 

As of lately...I've been trying to be funny. I'm not trying, cause I am funny, but I'm trying to be funnier.  I'm part of a new awesome improv team called "Second Choice," and so far I'm having a blast. However, going to rehearsals has proven one thing to me and that is...I'm a terrible listener and I forget things. I'm a 50 year-old man. 


Like I'm charming, I get it, but when there's pressure to be funny it's like where did it go? Like it's the same kind of pressure when you go out to bars and try to hook up with someone. All of a sudden I'm incapable of making eye contact and the rate of me hating people increases.


Are you following? Okay. Anyway I was like trying to make myself focus really hard and I'm honestly close to tears. The only comedy I've written includes three sex dolls and the ones I'm working on right now are funny but the whole outlining thing kills, bro. Outlining is like planing each and every step. But I'm more of a carefree, spontaneous kind of writer, comedian. Comedian. Comedian. Hahaha.


Anyway I saw John C. Reilly the other day and I was like ooh perfect time to do improv! So he comes in and asks me....


"Can I just go in, I usually can get in for free."


And then without a hitch my mouth made an incredible noise I've never heard of before. It was like I was choking and hiccuping at the same time. But then quickly after I said.


"Eh...just go in."


But he didn't go in. He stared at me awkwardly. I looked away and continued working.


I can't wait for the day...wait what was I talking about? Eh whatever. I'm gonna finish writing these scripts and damn it you will see it up!

0 Comments

    Author

    I write, you read, we friends. 

    Archives

    November 2021
    August 2019
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    April 2017
    October 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    November 2015
    July 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.